...Well, maybe not

(Warning: potential spoilers for Doctor Who, depending on where you are in the series. I will be discussing the Doctor’s relationships, although rather generally.)

I may have spoken too soon. Today, I had a rather uncomfortable discussion about asexuality with my mom and sister. It started because I mentioned that “a lot of people” (read: me) consider the Doctor to be asexual or demisexual. My sister seemed appalled by this idea. Her main point was that the Doctor has some sort of relationship with River, which River implies includes sexual behavior. If you can’t tell from the way I worded that last sentence, I don’t think the Doctor’s relationship with River is that simple, or that this means the Doctor can’t be demi/ace, which I tried to explain. And then I got this gem from my mom: “Usually, asexual people don’t want to have sex*.” 

I think I visibly winced at that one. I pointed out that asexuals can have sex because their partners want to, or even because they think it’s fun. And then I repeated that the Doctor could be demisexual, which of course I then had to define. And then I decided to shut up, because I was starting to sound like I was reciting the answers to the AVEN FAQs.

My sister took advantage of my pause to change track, telling me in a rather smug tone that she didn’t like labels and she didn’t think we should be labeling the Doctor and why did it matter anyways? And I wanted to say, “Because I’m asexual and I want to know that people like me exist, even if they’re fictional. It matters to me.”

But I was too scared to say that, and I was afraid that arguing any more would make it really obvious that I’ve done a lot of research on asexuality, and after a conversation like that, I just really didn’t feel comfortable making it any more personal. I’ve been trying to be subtle, but I’m not sure it’s working. I’m still in that beginning phase where everything about asexuality seems perfect and interesting and I’m so excited that I want to tell everyone that I discovered something amazing that makes me feel more comfortable with myself than I have since I was a little kid. But I can’t expect that everyone will be as excited as I am, so I have to keep biting my tongue and biding my time.

*Technically true, I guess, if you take “don’t want to” to mean “have no particular desire to” rather than “would prefer not to.” The former definition encompasses a much larger percentage of asexuals than the latter, since “have no desire to” includes “would prefer not to.”

Progress?

So last night, I wanted to explain Sciatrix’s awesome zucchini pun to my family over dinner (it was kind of relevant to the conversation, I swear!) However, I’m not out to them yet, and they don’t know much about asexuality other than it does exist (which is a great start), so I’ve been trying to casually drop hints and feed them little bits of information in a, “Hey isn’t this interesting?” way so that when I do come out, hopefully it won’t be as big a deal. So for them to understand this amazing joke, I had to define a few different terms, like squish and zucchini.

Me: A zucchini is like a platonic life partner. I don’t know why they call it a zucchini. It’s someone that you live with or close to and see all the time and who won’t ditch you for a romantic relationship. Someone that you can kind of share your life with.*
My sister: Oh! Isn’t that what some asexual people do?
Me:*staring* Um, yes. Yes it is.

So that made me really, really happy. Right now the plan is to come out to my immediate family by the end of the summer. I know it’s a personal decision and there’s no pressure, but I want them to know because it’s important to me. And I know my mom, at least, would think it was really interesting, and I’d like to be able to share some of the stuff I’ve been reading about it.

*I may be oversimplifying this a bit. But I was talking to my family, who are totally new to this whole thing. This isn’t Asexuality 101, what I’m doing with them. It’s more like Remedial Asexuality**, to get them up to speed for Asexuality 101.

**On that note, I'm not sure if I like the term "Remedial Asexuality," but I can't think of a better one right now. Is there another term for those classes you have to take if you don't know anything about a subject and aren't prepared for 101?